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YOUR SLEEP AND OTHER PEOPLE: PARTNERSHIP PROBLEMS
Most marriages and partnerships go through bad patches; feeling resentful towards your partner can be a major source of sleeplessness. Do try to resolve your problems, or at least start to, during the day or early evening: don’t leave it until bedtime to have rows. And don’t lie in bed brooding over your partner’s faults and telling yourself that if only he or she were different you would be quite happy.
You cannot change other people; what you can do is to tell them how you feel — they may have no idea. And give them the opportunity to tell you how they feel. People often make totally false assumptions about what’s going on in someone else’s head, even their nearest and dearest. Talking openly and honestly, and listening to the other person’s point of view as well as expressing your own, can clear the air remarkably at times.
Women often have difficulty in acknowledging that they are angry at all; we are still brought up with the idea that anger isn’t very nice. Some women repress their own wants and needs in order to be perfect wives and mothers; they don’t realize that underneath they are quite angry at constantly giving out to others. This kind of situation can trigger insomnia. If you are constantly giving out to others, make sure that you get your own needs met as well.
It has been found helpful for couples to have a regular weekly date and time for expressing their grievances in turn, and listening to each other without interruption while they are expressed. End the session by telling your partner what you appreciate about them; couples often neglect this. You hear people say, ‘I don’t have to tell my wife/husband I love her/him, she/he knows without me telling her/him.’ I think that’s an awful pity. It doesn’t matter whether we know or not, it’s always heartwarming to be told.
When you live with someone else it can be a good idea to have a spare bed ready made up, or a sofa, to which one of you can retire when you both need space. (Don’t retire to it forever, though, if you want to keep the relationship going.)
In some of the books and articles I’ve read about insomnia, the writers remark gaily that sex is the one activity it’s good to indulge in before bedtime, the assumption being that you then drop off, happy and relaxed.
Anti-DepressantIf you have a good relationship and goodwill on both sides, and if your partner agrees, ask your doctor to put you in touch with a sex therapist (unfortunately they’re not easily available on the NHS), or get in touch with a marriage guidance counsellor. If there’s no real goodwill, of course, you need to ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage. Again, it can be helpful to see a marriage guidance or some other kind of counsellor, to help you to clarify the confused feelings that are keeping you awake.
Even in a good relationship, there’s usually room for improvement. Many men don’t realize that physical contact doesn’t have to lead to sex, and studiously ignore their partners if they don’t feel like performing. Meanwhile, the woman may be longing for a friendly cuddle. Learning to touch each other in non-sexual ways, perhaps by taking a massage course together, can do a lot for your relationship and your sleep.
*37/169/2*
