Lincocin (Lincomycin)

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"Lincocin"
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GENERATIONS: ADVISING YOUR ADULT CHILD
Parents stay parents (teachers) for the best reasons. It is hard to keep quiet when speaking up might save your child from suffering – to watch from the sidelines when your son or daughter is doing something that seems certain to cause pain for years to come.
But the saying “people must make their own mistakes” is true. Giving your opinion on what an adult should do usually does not work unless the person is already 90 percent in agreement anyway. And even when children agree wholeheartedly, advice may make them angry because they are already trying desperately to do just what you suggest: ‘ ‘You should get married” (There’s nothing I want more, but I’m ashamed to tell her that); “You should lose ten pounds” (I’ve tried every diet, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let him know); “You should get a better job” (I look through the want ads every day, but I’ll never tell her I keep getting rejected in interviews). Unfortunately, these eminently reasonable suggestions are also intensely unhelpful. They rub salt in an open wound.
Having a good relationship with your children as adults means making an effort to act less like a parent and more like a friend. People who have mastered the art of friendship know to praise lavishly, be supportive and encouraging, and stifle many criticisms they are tempted to make. And good friends are like family-there in a crisis to help out. So when the impulse strikes to tell your children something for their own good, think carefully. Would you really be this frank if they were not your flesh and blood?
Since parenthood is different from friendship, on matters that vitally affect your child you will not want to keep silent. But you can try to get your message across in the best possible way. Rather than blindly criticizing (“You need to lose ten pounds”; “When are you getting married?”), offer something positive along with the pill, a concrete way of helping the person change. Send a best-selling diet book or call with information about the local Weight Watchers group. Tell your daughter about that singles social at the church or ask Mrs. Jones if her eligible son wants to meet a wonderful woman. Your child may laugh ruefully at your “mothering” pressure but is more likely to do what you suggest.
Avoid harping. If you are not being heard, raising the volume of your pleas will not help. It is more likely to get you called a nag. If holding your tongue forever seems impossible, resolve to keep quiet for a limited time: “I won’t mention Jane’s weight when I see her next Tuesday.” “This spring I’ll put a moratorium on those marriage questions.” When you have successfully kept mum until your limit, you might set another limited silence vow. When the temptation to speak gets strong, regain the proper perspective: “Would telling her again really do any good?”
*66/159/5*

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