Septilin
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IMPLICATIONS FOR GETTING ALONG: COMMUNICATING YOUR PLAN CLEARLY
Then diplomatically tell both your relative and other family members exactly what you have decided: ”I will help with A, B, and C, but I cannot do X, Y, and Z”; “I can baby-sit every Saturday and in emergencies, but not every time you go out”; “I’m thrilled to have you stay here, but I expect you to find your own place by April 1.”’ Having a clear shared understanding and a structured commitment minimizes the resentment predictable with an open-ended arrangement. If whether and when you visit is up in the air, Mom will wonder every day if you are coming. She will be upset when she makes her morning call and you “reject” her by saying you have other plans. You, in turn, will feel continually pressured-guilty when you say “not today,” put upon by an obligation that has to seem excessive just because it is always there.
If your limit is less than the person wants, explain why it is impossible for you to do more. If you are sharing the helping with several other family members, explain the reasons for your limit to each of them individually. Rather than leaving people in the dark and risking being labeled ungiving, let everyone know why your other obligations make it impossible to do more.
If the price of sticking to your set point is just ill feeling, be open to change. If your ninety-four-year-old mother would like you to visit twice a week, reconsider your once-a-week maximum if she is deeply upset about your not being there the extra day. Maybe a compromise would work. You might come two mornings a week rather than one full day. If your sister accuses you of dumping your responsibility for Dad on her because you live far away and she lives close by, stifle your impulse to slam down the phone. Be sisterly. You cannot be on the spot to help, but perhaps every few months you could bring Dad for extended vacations at your house. Negotiate, keeping your eye on what is important. Sometimes it is better to do more than we want in order to preserve our family’s love and our good feelings about ourselves for years to come.
*71/159/5*
