Tegopen (Cloxacillin)
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IMPLICATIONS FOR GETTING ALONG: CONSIDERING SITUATIONS FROM OTHER PERSONSЂ™ PERSPECTIVES
Clarify what you need and assess how reasonable your requests are.
If necessary, list your needs and rank them according to priority. ”What help is critical, and what things can I do on my own? Can some of these jobs be done by people other than my daughter or son?” Put a check after the essentials and resolve to ask your family for help only with them.
If you feel your children are being ungiving, think carefully. “Is it really complete devotion I want? Is it possible, given their other commitments, for my family to do all these things for me?” Do not expect the impossible. Although you are upset by your daughter’s making her husband and children her first priority, it is right for you to rank second. Would you really feel good about your job as a parent if you raised a child who put your needs first?
Communicate what you need clearly.
Carefully spell out what you want. Do not say anything and then be upset because your family has not guessed your needs. If you want more attention, you extend the invitations. Invite your daughter over; don’t wait passively for her call. If you need help with shopping, tell your son. You cannot blame people for being ungiving unless they know what to give.
If you ask for something and are refused, keep a sense of proportion. When your family can’t visit, it need not mean they don’t care; it may just be impossible to get away now. Do you know the pressures they are under, what is happening in the rest of their lives? It is human nature to be oversensitive when we are on the receiving end. Do not let your feelings of vulnerability make you read total rejection into what is really a minor “not right now.”
Be wary of taking behavior reflecting cultural change as a personal affront. When you fume, “I took Mom in, and Sara should do the same for me,” look around. “What are Mrs. X’s children doing? Is living together really a good benchmark of daughterly devotion? Am I using an outmoded standard to assess her love?”
A study of 753 older people shows how demoralizing being on the receiving end can be. Eleanor Stoller of the State University of New York found that the people she studied who got help from their families tried to reciprocate in some way. When they could not balance the getting with at least some giving, they tended to be depressed.
So if you have to accept help, try to give something in return. If you cannot leave your house, could you help your daughter do some of her chores by phone? Could you bake, knit, help financially? Ask your child to come up with ways you can be helpful. If she says “I don’t need anything,” persist. Explain that you need to reciprocate for your own self-esteem.
If your family is neglecting you, avoid browbeating them. Cajoling, recriminations, and guilt-inducing strategies will make things worse. If possible, put a temporary cast on what is happening: “They have not failed me; they just cannot give me what I need right now.” Look for more hospitable baskets to put your emotional eggs in. Focus on your friends or on other relatives. Turning to other people for comfort and help will not stop the hurt, but it should lessen it.
*73/159/5*
